me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
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My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.