After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
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I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.