SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
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ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Cat is stressing him out.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though