You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
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Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.