Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
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I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.