The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
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don’t we all
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.