I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
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I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING