Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
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ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Botany good plants lately?
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!