*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
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To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now