Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
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(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work