Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
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[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”