50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
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The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
boat question
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
never compromise your values
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.