Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
You Might Also Like
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch