WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
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“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]