Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
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I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
tis the season
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”