Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
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There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.