doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
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Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Home #decor warning.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]