I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
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[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
🤣🤣🤣
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
i love meeting boys on tinder
tis the season
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say