Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
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[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
My Guy
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please