Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
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My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Bruh PLEASE
no such thing as a dumb question
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Ovenable?
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.