“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
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Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.