Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
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Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Who does Amazon think I am?
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me