A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing