Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
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*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.