It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
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Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
There is no “we” in pizza
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.