A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
You Might Also Like
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Grandmother clock.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.