Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
🤣🤣🤣
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
No laws when master is gone
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.