“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
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Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.