Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
somebody come look at this
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
😂🤣😂🤣
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit