Cat.
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i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.