I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
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how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
How I like cutting carbs
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.