My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
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angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
#Caturday
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.