The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
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*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
A roof is a house hat.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.