Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
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We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.