Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
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My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
“you recording!?”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.