I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
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Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body