I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
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did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?