[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
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sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.