*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
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I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.