Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
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[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Awwwww shit.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.