“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
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I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.