My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
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Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
The dark side of Canada
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”