Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
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My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂