Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
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[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door