*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
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*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.