[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
You Might Also Like
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
so much to do
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.