Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
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It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
How I’d get arrested…
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I never needed anything more in my life
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
12653.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude