My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
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Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.