On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
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So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
guys I’m going home
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.