Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
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“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Love it! 👍😂
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.